I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
