So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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