Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
