i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
