I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
