My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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