im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
