If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have tasted many bathrooms
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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