seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
