Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
