don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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