I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
