Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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