Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
where am i from again
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
