life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
