There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
