I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
accomplished twins. life is a go
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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