oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
