I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
