i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
