Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
