Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Randomize
