I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
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Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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