We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
