did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
