So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
