i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
