I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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