his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?