I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
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I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
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He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.