her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?