I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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