last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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