trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
