why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
