Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
