Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
