i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
