I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
