she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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