You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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