im drinking this country out of the recession.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
