Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
do herpes really smell.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
