if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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