He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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