I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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