I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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