I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
