Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
