I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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