I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
