also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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