So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
