where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
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